I am 30 year old puppet made of blue felt. I have a history of public service and when I realized that there were no puppets in the race for Mayor, I had to step forward.
2) Family I’m told that there are quite a few illegitimate children in the twin ports who have button eyes and red string hair but I deny any knowledge or responsibility for the little rascals.
3) Educational background I studied at Cambridge and Oxford before completing my Bachelors in Political Satire from UMD.
4) Employment background I was in a trunk with some other puppets for about fifteen years. I finally escaped in time to run for Vice-President of the Free Republic of Duluth back when Duluth was its own country in February of 2005. I ran for City Council later that same year once relative stability had been restored. My campaign for Council hit a snag when profanity and violence erupted at a Campaign stop. I’ve learned a lot since then. See gonzoscience.com for footage of these events.
5) Volunteer background
I frequently lecture neighborhood children on the evils of toilet humor.
6) Hobbies I enjoy smelling flowers, shoplifting, plagiarism, tax evasion, internet pornography,
7) Your address and contact information 626 N 8th Ave E Duluth, MN 55805 218-260-5177 www.myspace.com/mrniceformayor
8) The Hillside and the Lincoln Park neighborhoods are some of the most ethnically diverse areas in the city of Duluth. How do you see this ethnic diversity as an asset to Duluth? I think its common knowledge that people of Caucasian descent are generally mean-spirited and delusional, and so any ethnic diversity which offsets the maniacal bloodthirst of white people must be a good thing.
Disclaimer:
Added Nov. 5, 2007
"The Hillsider" apologizes for this question. It was originally asked in August 2007 and published in the September issue. "The Hillsider" does not believe the statement/question below is true. It was asked in an effort to pin down the candidates on an his or her personal beliefs on crime and newcomers. The statement is often heard at many venues. "The Hillsider" did not intend that newcomers were immigrants as in not citizens and did not mean the word in a negative connotation.
9) Some people blame the increase in neighborhood problems such as crime on immigrants from Chicago, Milwaukee and Minneapolis. Do you think it's true?
We must never forget that the real criminals are upper-class families who’ve been in Duluth for generations and who control the economy. However, if we want to compete with larger cities we’re going to need more street crime. Street crime is the primary justification for the excessive use of force so beloved by police everywhere and so we should be grateful that people want to come to Duluth to share their law-breaking skills in our communities.
9a) If so, what do we do about it?
When I’m elected I will legalize gangsterism, extortion and vigilante justice because it’s a common sense solution. I’ll para-militarize the police and personally assume control of all criminal activity, skimming a little off the top of the proceeds for my slush fund and for much needed public services.
10) It is estimated that 15 percent of Duluthians are living below the poverty line including 15.4% of those under age 18 and 9.5% of those age 65. What are some of your ideas to bring Duluthians out of poverty?
I propose we give more loans and credit cards to the poor and just hope they shape up.
11) The city has a mandatory recycling law yet walking by many people’s homes it is obvious that they do not recycle. Is recycling important?
Recycling is an un-American socialist plot to counter our God-given right to be wasteful.
12) Why do we have a law on the books if it isn’t going to be enforced?
I’ve proposed a number of new laws that hopefully will not be enforceable such as requiring animal control to baptize all stray dogs. The lack of enforceability can sometimes be a blessing.
13) Over-flowing garbage cans are a problem in lower East Hillside. Many of the homes where this is a problem are rental units. What kinds of ideas do you have to prompt landlords to encourage their tenants to take better care of their property?
The City should authorize landlords to get medieval on their tenants. Its no secret how to torture somebody and it gets results.
14) In the last census, Duluth had a dearth of people age 24 to 35? What can be done to attract and keep this population in Duluth?
Lure them back with false promises of a vibrant economy and then chain them down when they realize we were lying.
15) This city has yet to settle the retiree’s health care budget. What type of action would you take?
I pledge to find out who would perpetuate a hoax as cruel as promising health care for life for retirees. These pranksters will pay dearly for their shenanigans.
16) Is paying for health care a problem that needs to be addressed on the city, state or national level?
I feel health care should be addressed at the sub-atomic level.
17) Have you or anyone you know, had trouble paying a health care bill or worried about how much health care would cost?
I recently needed oral surgery to replace some of the yellow felt in my mouth. I took care of it with no anesthetic, just a shot of whiskey and a needle and thread. Cost about 10 bucks including the whiskey. I don’t see what the big deal is.
18) Do the city departments work well together? How can inter-department work be done more efficiently?
There’s room for improvement and I propose making City employees play ‘Twister’ with folks from other departments. I mean the game, not the movie. It brings people together.
19) What makes you unique as a candidate for city office?
Well, I’m pretty sure I’m the only blue contestant. Other than that, I’m a pretty average fellow and I think Duluth is ready to embrace the firm shaft of my confident leadership. I’m the only candidate who’s not afraid to say that I do not believe in Duluth’s future. Future, future, future- everybody wants to talk about the future! I only believe in the present- I’m the ‘No Future’ candidate.
